Thursday's Ups and Downs and some thoughts

Summary : Skip if you only want big picture info. What follows is an account of a day spent travelling along the bumpy road that I want to remember

Details : I went for my normal early morning walk. There was less smoke around than the previous day. I figured my goitre is going to be a bigger problem for the anesthetist  than a maybe tiny bit of sludge in my lungs. But I was later than usual and missed sitting on my usual rock watching the sun rise, so a bit grumpy. A bit of a Down .

Most mornings for the past few years I have been going to the cafe at the end of the street. I have got to know all of the staff. ( A few days ago I was pleased to be able to dredge from the depths of my very tired brain the words Buon compleanno to wish the Italian chef happy birthday)  I always smile when I go in. After my coffee I took an ordinary photo of the end of the bar/cooking space to remind me See below.  However, a huge Up came when I was leaving and standing near the cash register to pay.  The barista  ( as few names as possible in this blog ) left his machine ( crowded cafe, many take-aways waiting)  , came over to me armed with a pen and paper and asked for contact details so they could find out how I went on Monday.  I nearly came undone - as in nearly started to cry , which I have felt like before when people are nice to me. I came home and let myself cry - the first time in this temporary nuisance event. I thought a Down at the time, then later changed it to an Up because I sat down, ignored the job list and thought about the last few weeks.

Some conclusions, in no particular order, which may seem quite obvious to some, but I was brought up by a restrained English father ( stiff upper lip, no tears,ever, 'very poor show' etc) and a mother who had no idea about emotions for other reasons.

• I have been saying that I have had practice in asking for help, but what I was asking for when John was sick was help for me as I was  looking  after John. Quite different from asking for help for me, myself.
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• I have been saying to myself I am very grateful that it is so treatable, just a temporary nuisance etc etc and even though my prognosis is far,far,far better than John's 3 to 6 months that he was initially given, I am still allowed to be just a teeny bit sad and angry.  
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• I have been wondering why the thought of the anesthetic is bothering me - Well, duh. It is about the worst thing for people like me who like to be in control, sit forward facing in trains,  know what's ahead  etc etc.

On with the day - to the hairdressers for a badly needed cut. I got there and found my appointment was the next day. ( A mistake that I must have made months ago)  Huge Huge Down. I just sat down and had a vision of me home from surgery, looking in the mirror at my odd chest and my badly shaggy hair and feeling awful.  This hairdresser was booked out for  December way back in October. I waited, hopefully. She returned from her yoga class and was happy to cut my hair before her first client arrived!  I have known her for ages and she would have planned something to do in the time she gave to me. Probably bills or other admin. The odds of me making a mistake on the one day she could fit me in straight away  are very, very small. Huge Huge Up.  The camaraderie in the shop was very warming. One of the ladies waiting with her twin sister for their weekly perm said in a loud firm voice at one point in the conversation " I've only got 1 boob and I'm 90, you'll be right, dear" . More hilarity when the other hairdresser answered the phone saying "Bald Hair" not "Bold Hair". 

Previously while I was waiting I had bought a loaf of gluten-free bread from a local small shop - small Up. But when I had some later I was disappointed. Small Down.

After the hairdresser I went to the markets. First off I bought a jigsaw. I am not in the habit of buying myself random things. An Up.  Background : Over the last week I have been wondering about whether to ask for prayer at the church I go to. I have never done this before. Why ? - a thought for later. Anyway, in the shop was a lady I know who is a stalwart of the church. She asked how I was.  I said my usual " fine" but then added " actually , I am not fine, I am having a mastectomy on Monday and I feel I am beginning to unravel mentally".  We talked. She has access to the rosters for volunteers for various tasks and asked me if I would like her to ring  the intercessor for Sunday and ask for prayer for me for my surgery on Monday. A big Up. It would have taken me a while to find out who to ring and then longer to get up the courage to ring. She usually goes to the markets in the afternoon. Again, very small odds of me bumping into her

Another minor Down - I have a blister to show that silicon oven mitts do not last forever.

Later in the afternoon I went to Wendy's house . It was John's birthday. She has an annual practice with her family of sitting down and telling stories  about her father to her kids and they share some nougat - an annual birthday present to him. My younger daughter and her daughter were there too.  My children and grandchildren are a huge blessing.